


Catch His Eye

by angelboygabriel



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Crack, Get-Together Fic, M/M, Malarkey's sad little crush, Shenanigans, oblivious muck, sexy car washing, water fights
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2017-07-14
Packaged: 2018-12-02 06:42:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11503890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelboygabriel/pseuds/angelboygabriel
Summary: Malarkey has been getting friend zoned for a really, really long time by Muck. So he and his friends take matters into their own hands- what better way than to help get them together then by having a hot car wash?But of course, Malarkey has never really been one for luck.





	Catch His Eye

**Author's Note:**

> No disrespect intended for the real life veterans. The portrayals in this story are purely based off the HBO series depictions.

Malarkey's crush on Muck was starting to become pathetic.

And if Penkala was being honest, it was almost downright sad to see all the sappy shit that the guy did for Skip, only for it to get brushed off as a friendly notion or brotherly gesture. Of course, Malarkey's friends were too mischievous to actually help push them in the right direction, and even Lipton couldn't fend off laughter from his disapproving mom-look while during a booze filled party, Malarkey literally propositioned Muck and Skip had just laughed and said "you're like my brother! Stop making fuckin' incest jokes." Typically, Luz peed his pants and almost had an asthma attack from laughing so hard and Don didn't speak to him for a week. 

It was summer now and things were settled back down for the group of friends, and Malarkey, Muck, Penkala, Luz, Toye, Nixon, Winters, and Webster were all hanging out at the local bar, relaxing and drinking. Or, alternatively, Malarkey was moping into a beer and bitching about Muck to Luz and Toye while the others engaged in normal social interactions. 

"I mean, it's just not fair." Don said and the couple exchanged a look. "He's hot, single, as gay as the rest of us, flirty... but every time I try I get friendzoned! I'm completely hopeless." he whined and Luz suppressed the urge to confirm that. 

"It probably just takes some time. Most relationships do." Joe said gently and Don shot him a glare.

"Did your relationship move slow? No. The second you realized you shared a mutual crush you started fuckin' in Roe's bathroom during parties and were disgustingly perfectly mismatched. I've been hitting on Skip for a whole damn year and he thinks I want to no homo hang with him. God! Yes homo!" Don snarled, banging his fist on the table. George snorted. 

"Well, have you tried seducing him, you know? Dressing up sexy and that shit. Walking around shirtless, wearing his clothes... now while that generally gets me some Toye dick in my ass, for you it could hopefully be the same but Skip dick." George suggested and Joe shot him a dirty look. "What? Don't even deny it, hotshot." George snickered. Don seemed to be thinking, and then suddenly he lit up. 

"You're right!" he exclaimed and Luz leant back. 

"I am?" he said, and Malarkey grinned. 

"Sexy car wash."

*

"A sexy carwash?" Alex parroted back at him, and gave him the side eye as Lip rubbed his temples. "Malarkey, I really think you could do this more sensibly. Why don't you just ask him for dinner? That's what Ron did with me." Lipton tried to explain and Don huffed in frustration.

"He would think I was being nice. It's go big or go home, mom." he snapped and Lip smacked his arm. 

"Just because you're not getting any doesn't mean you gotta be a bitch." Penk shot at him and Malarkey rolled his eyes. 

"Fine. I'm sorry, I guess. Now, are you in or not?" he asked and both of them laughed. 

"Hell no, I'll chaperone though. Alex probably just wants to watch." Lipton said and Alex shrugged with a nod. "Call Luz, Web, and Nix. They'll do anything to get a rise out of their own boyfriends and Christ knows they wanna see you get put out of your misery." he advised and Malarkey saluted. 

"Yes, sir!"

*

It was Saturday now, and Skip was driving over to the parking lot of Joe Toye's auto shop. For some fucking reason, the guys were holding a free car wash and Penkala had nagged him about it, so he relented. His car was dirty and besides, Malarkey was gonna be there so Muck wouldn't pass up the opportunity to see him. While the fake flirting got on his nerves from the other man, he brushed it off but secretly preened with his well hidden crush. Maybe Don would be cleaning his car today. 

When he finally pulled up to the lot and rolled down his window, Malarkey had bounded up with a sunny smile. 

"Hiya Skip, what's up today?" he asked and the other man grinned. "Running some errands for Guarnere's sad, sick ass. Him and Fran both got a stomach bug pretty bad." he said and Don nodded. "Well, that sucks but at least you're not sick. I'll be cleaning your car since EVERYONE ELSE IS TOO INDISPOSED" Malarkey hollered at the end in the direction of Luz and Webster. The two of them looked like drowned rats, and Muck could tell there was a focused attempt to be sexy for Toye and Lieb, but their clothes clung to them unflatteringly and Luz smacked Webster in the chest with a rag, spraying bubbles everywhere. Malarkey shrugged and tapped on the window, and Muck rolled it up. 

Nixon caught Don's eye and gave him the bucket, rag, and hose, before whispering in his ear. "Remember what we said, you make sure that you bend over as much as possible and get 'unintentionally' wet. Scrub the car slowly and bite your tongue in concentration. Probably strip your shirt off eventually." Nixon muttered and Don hid a ridiculous grin. 

"You got it. Okay, uh, you had better check up on the fuckups over there." Malarkey said and they both turned to see that Liebgott, Joe, and Dick had been dragged into the fight. George was spraying the hose in Webster's face from behind Toye, Dick was pouring a bucket of water over Liebgott, and Penkala was aggressively flinging soap into the melee. 

"Lipton and Speirs chaperoning my ass. You gotta be shittin' me." Nixon grumbled and headed back over to break the men apart. Malarkey got out the hose and started spraying down the car, snickering when he sprayed the windshield and Skip pretended to get hit by the water. He dunked the sponge in the water and began to scrub away at the hood, stretching like Luz had amusedly showed him and getting the front of his white Ramones tee wet. He glanced at Muck, who was watching him with an unreadable expression, and Malarkey remembered to bite his tongue and pretend to ignore him. He turned around and bent over to rinse off the sponge, his face flushing as he did so. 

However, Don's dignity remained intact and he continued to wash off the car. Some of the water and soap was dripping off and saturating the ground, and Malarkey slid a little as he walked. He was reaching up to give (what he hoped was) a real show of his arms, when he lost his footing on the soapy ground, slipping and smacking his head on Muck's bumper. He stared dizzily up at the afternoon sky, and Skip burst out of his car with a scream for the others and he came around to check on Malarkey. 

Skip's face was a bit blurry and Don groaned in pain before footsteps slapped against the pavement and suddenly two strong sets of arms were picking him up. Don gripped the front of Nixon's shirt with a delirious laugh, and Toye had a strong grip on his thighs. Skip kept hovering over him, saying something, but Malarkey couldn't tell what it was. 

"You're so pretty... ain't no wonder I like you." he giggled, head lolling to the side. "Can' believe I jus' did that eroooooootic car wash for you and fuckin' fell." Skip's face got confused, and murmuring talk sounded above him as they carried him inside. Malarkey patted Skip's face and Muck grabbed his hand. 

"...busted yourself up real bad. You gotta stay with me until Roe gets here, okay? God, you just told me you like me and you're loopy as hell." Muck said worriedly and Malarkey blinked twice as the world became less fuzzy. Doc Roe bustled in then and did stuff to him, and declared him slightly concussed but alright. 

"Don' sleep for a few hours, ya got me Malark?" he said and Don nodded before turning to Skip in a sudden panic. 

"Did I just tell you I have a crush on you?" he said in a moment of clarity and Muck barked a harsh laugh. 

"You should've just told me, I like you too." He said kindly and Don sent a furious glare at Luz and Penk who were whistling innocently in the corner. His face started to heat up but Skip took his hand. 

"Hey, you concussed yourself for me. Least I can do is take you on a date, hopefully several more... buddy." he said slyly and Malarkey narrowed his eyes. 

"We'll see who's saying 'buddy' after we get back to my place, Skip." Malarkey snapped in an uncharacteristic outburst and everyone's jaws dropped.

"Well, I guess they're taking the title of dysfunctional couple from us." George commented shortly.


End file.
